Building worlds: Masked portrait experiment 01

Well, it’s been a minute. Where do I even begin? I keep thinking that I’ll know what I’ll write about next, but then within a month (or even within a week!) so much can happen that alters the course of what I feel I must write about.

For now, I’m returning to advice given to me by my sister: write for myself first. Here’s a reflection that came after watching a film.

Again, this maybe a bit nonlinear…

I’m still playing. I wanted to show an experiment that was part of a class project, shared with my subject’s consent. He’s 23 years old. He’s my nephew. :)

There are lots of mistakes. Lots and lots of mistakes. My next step is to get better with my technique at night. Can you guess what class I had today? Ultimately, I got the idea during Anthony’s Conceptual Portrait class and thought about the conversations I was having with friends around the construction of identity, sensitivity, masculinity, culture, and more. I’ll share much more thoughts in the next entry, as the title mentions that this is Experiment 01. We’ll see what happens with Experiment 02.

Lastly, the following reflection came to me while I was sitting in the car after watching Unbreakable. Apparently, I like to think in my car and record voice notes, haha. It may make sense. It may not. I’m trying to not get hung up on perfection and over-explain everything. I guess that’s the point of a “public sketchbook” and continuing in the spirit of play and experimentation.

Here’s the fourth entry of this “Just Play” experiment. Let’s jump in.

A young man in a sleeveless white shirt stands outdoors at dusk, looking down as he adjusts a painted mask in his hands; the grainy film image is dark, with trees and brush fading into the background.
A young man in a sleeveless white shirt stands outdoors at dusk, holding a painted mask in both hands beneath a blue-gray sky; grainy film texture and deep shadows partially obscure his face.
A young man in a sleeveless white shirt stands in a brushy outdoor area at dusk, looking down while holding a a painted mask; the image is soft, grainy, and dim, with dark foliage filling most of the background.

I went to watch Unbreakable at Vidiots. It was interesting… Again, I’m reminded of my appreciation and fascination with storytelling and actors. Like other films and stories I’ve been drawn to lately,  the characters were complicated, unpredictable (at least for me) and there wasn’t this easy binary of good/evil. The film also made me think about why I’m fascinated by therapy work. I’m not solely interested in helping just decrease symptoms or only cope with life, but helping people find out who they truly are for themselves.

Unbreakable made me wonder why throughout history and across so many cultures we’re inspired by myths. Lately, I’ve also noticed being captivated by symbols and dreams. I think I first came across Joseph Campbell’s work in a studio. There was a quote of his printed. I can’t remember what the poster said, but I was like “Who is this guy?” I then came across the concept of the hero’s journey, where from my understanding one is called to do something…to embark on this particular journey. But for whatever reason, we may do all we can to deny that call. It may be because we’re comfortable with where we’re at. It might be for many other reasons including fear.

A shirtless young man wearing a painted mask stands outdoors at night beside a rocky hillside and dense brush; the black-and-white photograph is lit by flash, leaving much of the surrounding landscape in darkness.
A shirtless young man stands against a dark nighttime background, looking down while holding a decorated painted mask and a small bundle of dried flowers in his hands; the black-and-white image is lit by direct flash.

Today, we might get to see some of these themes through films. At least for me, when watching Unbreakable I see myself through many of the characters. Asking questions like is this all there is to life? And unfortunately, for many, we might not usually have someone to guide us and reflect our strengths, talents, and gifts…to say I see you. Even when you can’t see it yet. I see you.

Sometimes there's moments in our lives where somehow this may become more clear, but even then we may resist because the way we’ve been living has been comfortable in its own way. It has served somewhat of a purpose until, like Elizabeth Appell captures, the day comes “when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

The rose has outgrown the bud, the environment that once contained her. Her growth is actually becoming painful if she stays within the confinement of this box. My idea here isn't to judge anybody. It's really more of me reflecting out loud because I was recently asked if I really want to change and if I want to change my relationship to a part of my life..

A shirtless young man wearing a pale painted mask stands outdoors at dusk beneath a blue-gray sky; the grainy color image is softly lit, with dark trees and brush surrounding him.
A shirtless young man wearing a painted mask crouches outdoors at night with his hands clasped in front of him; the black-and-white photograph is lit by direct flash against dry brush and leaves.
A shirtless young man wearing a painted mask stands outdoors at night with his arms at his sides; direct flash illuminates his body and the dense foliage beside him against a nearly black background.
A shirtless young man wearing a painted mask sits low among dry branches and brush at night, resting his arms across his knees; the wide black-and-white image is illuminated by direct flash.

I acknowledged that I do want to change. I eventually realized I want to move from a place of sacredness and from my heart, from my soul, and let that direct me when I'm creating, when I'm doing things… let that direct me even if people misunderstand me, even if people judge me, even if people project onto me. That’s what I’m called to do right now, even if I’m scared, even if I want to hide, even if I want to go back to being small and hide behind a “professional” veneer because it feels safe.

There's this other part of me that wants to emerge, and I get that many people will not, and may never, understand. And now I don't know if I'm doing it to be understood anymore.

Everything I’m doing here in this Playlab with this “Just Play” experiment might resonate with one person on this entire planet who is also on a similar journey. And if this could inspire them, give them courage, or even help them feel less alone in some way, then that would be enough…more than enough for me.

The human journey hasn't stopped for me because I got licensed or because I got degrees. If anything, that just might really be the beginning of a path questioning: What do I truly believe? How am I questioning myself? Why are certain things making me uncomfortable?

I want to draw from everything and everyone that has come before me. And while I have stops along this journey, I’d like to offer something for you to reflect on and contemplate. Maybe you might notice something… like a sense of energy, a sense of aliveness, a sense of “I would like to try this too.”But in your own way.

Or you might feel nothing at all, or just a sense of curiosity. You might want to follow that curiosity. I don't think anyone can answer that for you.

All I know is something tells me to continue to share and to play. That’s all I wanted to share for now…

:)

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