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A Wandering Offering

wanderings

Lately I've been sitting with many tensions, one being the therapist mask and essentially masking my own humanity. Like the world, I feel like I'm breaking in many different ways.

This professional archetype that seems to have its own costume, its own script, its own acceptable topics. EMDR. Credentials. I wonder out loud if I'm allowed to move slower than the world and still have a place in it.

I get some of what I describe is necessary. At the same time somewhere underneath all of the noise, I often feel like I have to hide this whole, expansive, multidimensional person who has so much more she wants to say and share and create.

What's wild is that I work in a field that claims authenticity heals, but I live in a world where authenticity is not what's rewarded. Performance is…

While being truly seen is stated as one of the most therapeutic experiences a human can have, I find myself navigating containers where more and more each day I'm implicitly asked to be less seen, not more.

Even though that's not what my clients are asking for.

There’s a longing for someone to just be real in the room.

A desire for another human being to guide and walk alongside in these apocalyptic times.

So I've been wandering…

I stumbled upon a quote that felt like a seed I was meant to water, or at least explore:

"One finds orientation in one's wandering in the desert through utopic imagining, nourishing a capacity to believe in a better future" (p.36, Toward Psychologies of Liberation).

I can't say I've arrived at utopia, nor can I say that's my destination. But this gave me something like a compass.

I’m learning that my wanderings, writing, being in nature, sketching, give me space and time to imagine something different and enable me to walk alongside others. These practices are not frivolous to me. They’re not unnecessary nor complicit to me.

In fact, they’re the opposite of what I tend to feel like in the world! They’re life-affirming. I finally feel human. And they help me to affirm the life of others.

I get to appreciate a butterfly.

To remember to keep going.

To protect the smallest life that still brings me awe simply by existing.

When I go on hikes, I often get lost. This past Monday, a 7.8 mile hike became 10 miles. A 4.5 hour hike became like 7 hours.

One might see this as failure.

How could I take so many “wrong” paths? How many times have I had to double back, turn around, come back to the same spot, check my map?

Call me cheesy, but this feels like a metaphor for my life.

I keep getting lost.

I keep taking the "wrong" routes.

And slowly I'm learning that all of them are part of finding what matters.

They carry me beyond fatalism, despair, passivity, the easy exits that are everywhere right now. They bring me to a destination that feels more humane, sustainable, connected, life affirming, messy, confusing, and healing.

I get to be frustrated. I get to wrestle with what I'm witnessing and imagine different ways without taking that frustration, anger, or rage out on others, especially my community.

That feels like an important part of my human journey. Because then I get to bring those imaginings as offerings to someone who might need it.

I'm tired of letting strangers on the internet tell me what's important.

My heart already seems to know, if I can just quiet enough to listen to her. She might just be this weird, quiet, sensitive, whimsical little kid I've been running from my entire life.

But she hasn’t abandoned me. :)

She keeps showing up…showing me the way. Helping me practice humanity over performance. Teaching me wandering is a valid method even if it’s not to others. That authenticity and vulnerability are practices that can lead to profound, meaningful, and lasting connections.

I should say she's no longer alone. While I've navigated some dehumanizing containers, I'm also finding spaces that remind me I don't need to earn the right to exist in this world by being productive, always working "for the cause," always being resilient, always trying to keep up.

I don't have to constantly prove myself.

I won't get left behind.

One of the greatest gifts I get to offer is what others are teaching me through relationship right now:

That while many of us may want to hide and isolate so as not to be a “burden,” we don’t have to wait until we’ve figured things out to speak.

To those who were kids like me, we don’t have to earn the right to be here.

To exist…

That even if it feels impossible right now, we can be loved, celebrated, accepted, just as we are…

“Permission to be bad” and suck

before we enter the maze

Before I get into everything, I have to admit I’ve been procrastinating on this post. It was previously titled, A note on collective despair: A nonlinear exploration. Even my heart clenches as I write that.

I was going to procrastinate some more, or worse, never post this. But then I received Austin Kleon’s newsletter. Long story short, I was inspired to change the title to one of the items on his list: Don’t Call it Art (Just Make Stuff!).

If I can go back to an original premise, that I’m just thinking out loud and ALL OF THIS is just a really big experiment, it seems to release me from taking everything way, way, way too seriously.

I would like to move beyond a state of terror (yes, terror), frozenness (not sure if that’s a word) and procrastination.

So, here’s to the continued adventure of getting out of our comfort zones.

Let’s begin…

I have a growing album on my phone called Seeing and Listening in the Dark. These are a few images from that album that originally come from an OMCA exhibit, books, bookstores, magazines, anime, film, trips, walks, classes, boredom, documentaries, and lost images I found.

This might make more sense after you read what follows.

Welcome to my nonlinear mind.

Playing with futures

One night, chewing gum to ease my anxiety, I texted my sister that I’m afraid for the future. That hate and fear seem to be growing in this country and elsewhere.

I found myself wondering again if this is a time when systems begin to change, or when more life-affirming ones are created. Not all at once or even in my own lifetime, but because enough people have been held, sustained, and restored enough to imagine something different, and can begin to move towards what’s sustainable like a plant reaching towards what’s life-giving.

I can’t see the path ahead. Sometimes I wish I could.

But I want to play a role in that chain reaction, with others.

Recently, life has given me a response to a question I had in my heart. I’m currently building something with other like-hearted creatives, where we’re experimenting with creating a microcosm of the world we wish existed not only in the events we have, but even in how we treat each other … in every fabric of this collective.

That maybe care, creativity, imagination, play, and community are not useless and separate from change, and instead are an integral part of how change becomes possible.

Maybe I’m just one small piece on a much larger board. One that leans toward relational care, community building, and meaning-making.

As you'll see in an upcoming video, I’ll be preparing to be at a shared table. My plan is to enter a portal with others, transforming a space where kids of all ages (2 to 108+) can color together.

image of a handful of earth a handful of sky-the world of octavia e butler by lynell george

a handful of earth, a handful of sky: the world of Octavia E. Butler by Lynell George
“I saw that the camera could be a weapon against poverty, against racism, against all sorts of social wrongs,” he [Gordon Parks] said in a 1999 interview. “I knew at that point I had to have a camera”
acrylic paints
my dad ^.^ (who also was really into photography)

come play with us

So… coloring pages, drawing paper, markers, crayons, coloring pencils, prompt cards, mini-care bags…

Ideally, I’d like for these to disrupt the daily anxiety, fear, and isolation that can haunt many of us. I’d like for people to experience a moment that goes beyond panic and dread.

Experiencing a moment
That interrupts panic and sparks curiosity
That interrupts isolation and invites play
That restores even a tiny sense of safety and belonging

I asked myself that same night: what can crayons, markers, and drawing paper do?

Then I ask myself, “Will what I offer… something me and other creative friends are offering…help us stay human?”

Because dehumanization and the devaluing of life seem to be at the root of a lot of what we’ve been witnessing.

These days, I see my work (and play, and yes, even coloring spaces) as being about life, humanity, dignity, connection, and presence. About holding identity, power, and harm in my work. Nothing about these words feels neutral to me.

So yeah… helping people stay connected and human in a dehumanizing world, at least for me, is part of how change remains possible.

So if you’d like to join and play, and connect with and be in community, please sign up for our collective’s event happening this Sunday, April 19th in Glendale, CA.

Here’s to playing our way to a different, more beautiful world,

Sandy

Black Panther feeding son at Free Huey Rally by Ruth-Marion Baruch

From an OMCA exhibit:

“There’s no single answer that will solve all of our future problems. Instead there are thousands of answers—at least. You can be one of them if you choose to be.”

(Octavia E. Butler, author, 1995)

Black Panther feeding son, Free Huey Rally, DeFremery Park, Oakland, CA (1968)

Ruth-Marion Baruch (photographer)

🔝