beauty in the mundane
An offering for anyone caught in the “not enough” spiral
I think of beauty as an absolute necessity. I don't think it's a privilege or an indulgence, it's not even a quest. I think it's almost like knowledge, which is to say, it's what we were born for. I think finding, incorporating and then representing beauty is what humans do. With or without authorities telling us what it is, I think it would exist in any case.
— Toni morrison
Today was laundry day. I waited too long, so I had to go to the laundromat. It was very hot that day.
recalibrating
I was able to meet with a colleague and friend. We both recently became licensed, which is a major milestone for us. If people knew the 6+ year journey—3000+ hours, a 4-hour clinical exam, and the many sacrifices and challenges—well, let’s just say that after listening to her, it made sense that my mind, body, and spirit are still recalibrating. I'm also in a re-discovery mode and looking forward to this next chapter of my life.
So yes, I'm in the process of building my own practice.
I began another group therapy training with a focus on somatic and attachment work.
I reached out to a psychologist whose work I respect at the intersection of somatics, attachment, and relational and group dynamics.
I’m completing my EMDR consultation hours toward certification.
I’m developing an experimental community pilot program for the fall/winter to meet the needs and request of these times (inspired by feedback from an earlier group).
I applied and got rejected from a program.
And when I get back from my break, I’ll continue facilitating groups where people are finding clarity, direction, support and even tapping into excitement amid other responsibilities.
…and yet I can’t shake the feeling of being behind…
playing
Given all of this, I'm realizing that creativity has become an antidote to feelings of despair. The other-than-human world has also been saving me. This gallery may just become a reminder for me. Sometimes I can fall into a very narrow view of what life is supposed to look and feel like.
Add marketing and content that creates urgency, scarcity, and exploits people’s deepest fears, insecurities, and vulnerabilities to sell “insert product/service here,” it can exacerbate those feelings that one should be doing more and having more at an even much faster pace. Scale, scale, scale!
What I have and what I'm doing is never enough. There should always be grand shows of life, accomplishments, and achievements to be seen as worthy and successful whether that be in the realm of social change, healing, politics, spirituality, business, creativity, and just even daily living.
Amid all these messages one thing I've realized that has brought some grief is that I no longer have the large reservoir of energy that I used to have to keep up with these messages, which may be a good thing. Even then, I'm trying to have a lot of grace, kindness, compassion and patience with myself.
So these days (which seems like its own act of resistance) I feel drawn to appreciate the so-called mundane and boring in my life, the in-between moments such as when I bake cookies for me and my mom. Seeing my dog climb the sides of mountains, sniffing around, and me laughing at myself because I’m only two feet off the ground and still terrified of heights.
living
Seeing my desert rose alive in the summer inspires me. The interactions I get to have when I go to the farmers markets with vendors or even when I don’t have time to go, but I have other interactions with someone at the register, sometimes there’s laughter or I get to know if someone has eaten or will be getting their lunch soon. I feel like an auntie saying “Don’t be like me and forgetting to have your meal. Please take care of yourself!”
P. S. The cherries were delicious, and I always look forward to the fruit I get. It feels like a luxury for me!
I didn’t want to share this or any of my thoughts and experiences because they don’t feel BIG, “right,” flamboyant, interesting. I'm not across the world (yet). These aren't expensive brand name things. I don't have a cool life by many measures. These are liminal moments. An insect I see on a hike. Nervous jitters before a client arrives. Prepping the room so it feels like an invitation into my kitchen.
Yet, probably that’s also who I am for now. I'm a person with a very rich inner world. These in-between spaces are giving me meaning, helping me stay human, and offering me an opportunity to be present with all of life from the still and joyful to the deep well of sadness and confusion.
Sometimes I find myself in loops of compulsive consumption thinking I’m being well-informed. Yet, when I’m scared and worried, it just gives me this illusion of control. I think if I just read enough, consume enough perspectives, I won’t miss something important. If I’m being honest that sense of safety, clarity, and change never really comes, because the information never really ends.
I want to be mindful of how I use my attention and mental energy to track what everyone else thinks instead of developing my own thinking and creativity. I’m tired and don’t want to constantly consume other people’s thoughts.
That might be the theme of this month’s ecosystem of reflection, presence, and play: redefining and seeing beauty in the mundane and boring, in imperfection, in the process and journey, in what matters to me now and it may be completely dull, insignificant, ridiculous, offensive, and totally suck to others. So be it. I want to know what I think, and what matters to me in this stage of my life.
I’m trying to sketch a bit more often. I got an idea from Marc Taro Holmes’ The Urban Sketcher: Techniques for seeing and drawing on location to sketch even when I’m watching something, when I’m bored, etc. Keyword: trying.
Well, here’s a bit of the continued experiment of being present with all of life…I don't know what all this means yet. I'm a human 4-5 months into a new phase of life, trying to balance growth with sustainability and dealing with the normal overwhelm of building something meaningful.
I don't know what is to come but what I do know is creativity helps me be with the world. Writing helps me meet my experiences with curiosity and connect with what matters most to me and not what an external source tells me should matter.
Quiet attention to my life not only feels revolutionary in these times, it helps anchor and sustain me while reminding me what I'm fighting for. I don’t want to be obsessed with just healing. I want to live…
live…
and be free like this bird.
thank you for reading
May it also serve as a gentle reminder for you to give yourself permission to be human, to find meaning in our actual lives rather than the lives the world thinks we should be living. I get that there are different seasons of life that call for different approaches - that ambition has its place and beauty can be found there too!
I said this is life that informs my work. As I remind myself, I would like to remind people of what they already know but have forgotten or haven’t given themselves permission to trust. I’d like to help folks remember how to notice what’s already there. Instead of solely “solving” problems, the work becomes about practicing and living into deep questions with awareness, compassion, and courage.
I’m not sure if I will lose my drive and desire for growth and learning. At this moment I’m just sharing what I need right now, without judgment, while leaving room for my future self and others who may choose differently.
In this new phase of life and work, I find myself co-creating spaces for people to recall their own wisdom. I see the people I walk alongside as fellow curious travelers, equals in the exploration rather than patients to be fixed. I understand this approach isn’t for everyone. Like this sanctuary, an alternative to the noise, I want to create and shape quiet spaces for authentic encounters, for laughter, for challenge, for difference, for questions, for uncertainty, for connection, for wisdom, for people’s voices, essentially for aliveness to emerge. Yes… how can I create the conditions for people’s natural vitality to surface?
All this to say, what matters to you in these times is more than enough…it’s beautiful, proof of a life being lived with attention and care.
Stay tuned for the latest field notes!
🙀📽️
Good luck out there,
Sandy
The startle and the wonder of being in this place. This overwhelming beauty-some of it is natural, some of it is man-made, some of it is casual, some of it is a mere glance-is an absolute necessity. I don't think we can do without it any more than we can do without dreams or oxygen.
-Toni Morrison in The Paris Review (first encountered via James Clear )
take care.